I have
wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked
like if Moses had run them through the
Ronald Reagan
Waiter:
Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?
Signs of the times
-Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
-Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
-At a tire shop in
"Invite us to your next blowout."
-Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
-Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
-At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
-Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
-On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
-In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
-At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've
come to the right
place."
-On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
-In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
-On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
-On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
-At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
-Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
-Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
-On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
-In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
-At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However,
if you
don't you will be."
On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."
-In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
-In a counsellor’s office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Haircut
A man and
a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the
man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo,
manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going
to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back
in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all
about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took
me by
the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
Not allowed
An
English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I
don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the
words?"
Wisdom in golf?…
Golf is
a game in which the slowest people in the world are those
in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play
eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor
players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before
swinging, and once again after swinging.
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED
FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of
San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and
with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were
locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the
heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde…
The actual Associated Press headline read: KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED
MURDER
Cigar Bribe
A defendant in a lawsuit
involving large sums of money was saying to
his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the
defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for
ethical
behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He
might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you
shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of
the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his
lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the
lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the
judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
Watch It
Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and
watch your step.
"If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
language. Thank you."
***
Landing
A student pilot had a
less-than-perfect landing, and the instructor
had a less-than-tolerant attitude about such mistakes. As they
taxied off the runway, the instructor was reading him the riot act
about the student's lack of finesse.
The student finally retorted, "Think about it; I navigated through a
boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling
around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour.
This entire system is moving in a circular motion around a black
hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is
expanding so fast it causes a shift in the color of light. And I
bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my back, man!"
No Countdown
I had purchased a talking
metronome while I was attending a
conference in
boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the
security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched
the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then
slowly pulled out
the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches.
Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.
"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show
you." I
took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how
it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone
breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it
didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"
(By Thomas S. Ellsworth.)
Attention
Pastor Roger Matthews tells the
following story:
We were traveling one summer in
the
good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation.
One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little
was a hot day and the folks were nearly out in the pews. The
preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said,
"The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another
man's wife."
The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and
the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the
preacher said, "It was my mother."
The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as
the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory, a great
way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost.
Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and
the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and
lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them.
Then I remembered our experience in the
in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in
the arms of another man's wife."
Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back
row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front
of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came
next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I
can't remember her name!"
Top ten signs your Amish teen is in
trouble:
10.
Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause
the beard ain't
listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of
cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Colours
I didn't know if my granddaughter
had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I
think
you should try to figure out some of these
yourself!"
***
Happy
A mother took her three-year-old
daughter to church for the first time. The
church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying
lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a
loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to
you...
***
Desert Storm
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by
his mother what he had learned in Sunday
School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
to the
the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up
the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother
asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe
it!
***
Cross-eyed
Bear
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned
a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a
while
before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The
Cross I'd Bear!"
***
Beauty
Finding one of her students
making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday
School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that
I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."
***
Golf
Friend of mine named Dan hates to
lose at golf. He was in a
foursome when his ball landed in a sand trap.
Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at
the ball.
When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many
strokes that was.
"Three." he replied.
"Oh come on !" said another member of the
group. "I heard six."
"Three..." replied Dan "were echoes."
***
Famous Mothers
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After
all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give
us?"
could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off
the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you
just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you
do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing
money across the
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew."
Just a Thought
Remember, amateurs built the
ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something
for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you
gain five pounds.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow
old because
you stopped laughing.
Irish Courage
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his
office wondering who to invade
next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Paddy
down in
are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news!
Tell
me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy
after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my
next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub
-- that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in
my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to
ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And
what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's
tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 16
thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army
has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit
and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I
must tell you Paddy
that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes,
my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air
missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2
million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll
have to ring you back.
"Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I
am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we
can
feed 2 million prisoners."
Two Sides
My kindergarten-aged daughter
suddenly announced just before school
that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the
teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife
frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable
but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side.
She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her
shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other... "Be Smart, Don't Start."
Computer Troubles
Here are some conversations which
had actually happened between
help desk people and their customers:
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on
to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.
You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have
to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now
because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
-=+=-
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."
-=+=-
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
-=+=-
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server
or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a
server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID'
field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."
-=+=-
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a
database!"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
-=+=-
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
-=+=-
Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"
More Troubles
Here are some more conversations
which had actually happened between help
desk people and their customers:
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
-=+=-
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
-=+=-
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
-=+=-
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-=+=-
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Lasting Value
A well known speaker started off
his seminar by holding up a $20
bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let
me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then
asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it
on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He
picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter
what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not
decrease in value. It was still worth $20."
"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into
the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come
our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what
has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value:
dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless
to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we
do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't
ever forget it. Count your Blessings, not your problems."
Significance
A minister and lawyer were
chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but
instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."