Just a Thought
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you
gain five pounds.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade
next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell
me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy
after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my
next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub
-- that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in
my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And
what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's
tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16
thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army
has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit
and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy
that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes,
my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air
missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back.
"Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I
am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can
feed 2 million prisoners."
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school
that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the
teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife
frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable
but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side.
She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her
On one side it said, "Families are Forever."
And on the other... "Be Smart, Don't Start."
Here are some conversations which had actually happened between
help desk people and their customers:
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.
You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have
to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now
because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server
or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID'
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"
Here are some more conversations which had actually happened between help
desk people and their customers:
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20
bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let
me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then
asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He
picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter
what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not
decrease in value. It was still worth $20."
"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into
the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come
our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what
has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value:
dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless
to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we
do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't
ever forget it. Count your Blessings, not your problems."
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but
instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
What do they call Santa's helpers?
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet
What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli – a strong currant pulled him in.
Blonde Mechanics: What is a 710?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 scroll down Are you ready for this???
Can't back down now!
You ask for it!
Click here to see
Which is your Puppy?
Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."
The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."
"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.
Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing." "There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.
After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
(Told as true story!)
Theologically incorrect joke
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
Court Room Woes
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
A dentist, a nurse and an army general are flying.
The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane.
The nurse drops down a medical kit;
and the army general drops a bomb.
They land the airplane and see what happened...
First they found a guy cleaning his false teeth.
Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.
Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.
They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."
A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible.
As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!"
The mom asked, "What is it"?
"I think it's Adams underwear", replied the boy.
Signs of the Times
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
-Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
-At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
-Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
-Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
-At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
-Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
-On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
-In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
-At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right
-On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
-In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
-On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
-On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
-At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
-Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
-Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
-On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
-In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
-At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you
don't you will be."
On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."
-In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
-In a counsellor’s office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo,
manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going
to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back
in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by
the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and
with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were
locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the
heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde…
The actual Associated Press headline read:
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED
FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I
don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the
Wisdom in golf?…
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those
in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play
eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before
swinging, and once again after swinging.