Crock
on the move
A local guide was leading a town yuppie
through the swamps of
The guide replied, "Well, all
depends on how fast ye ’d carry the flashlight."
Beastly Convincing
A young lawyer, just out of
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young
attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the
injury.
"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs.
Twice the number there is in the jury box."
Signs
Your Pastor Needs a Vacation
7. His first words to the
congregation on Sunday morning are "All right, listen up you
heathens..."
6. He falls asleep during his own
sermon.
5. He shows up for Sunday service
wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.
4. Every time his pager goes off,
he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"
3. Announces baptismal services
will be at the
2. You go to his office for
counselling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a
personal problem to me."
1. For the past two months he has
preached the same sermon every Sunday.
Predictable
While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the
boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she
takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father
gets home."
"I'm looking for a loophole."
- W.C. Fields, who had
been flipping through the Bible on his deathbed, 1946
Dream
boy
The school of agriculture's dean of
admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen
this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in
farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a
million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of
it."
"I
went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in." - Mick Miller
General
Motors versus Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars
that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the
engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the
key and grabbed hold of
the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over
again because none of the controls would operate in
the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Waiting for waiter
Max Greenberg was at his favourite eatery, the Second
Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered
from?" asked Max.
"Why do you ask?" replied the
waiter.
Max replied, "Because I was expecting he would be
a much older man by now."
Base
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly
agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient
it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the
bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was
flick the basement light off and on, and he was here.
One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing
happened. I did it several more times.
"I'm on my way," my son called up.
"You didn't have to yell."
Goodbye
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your
appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and
regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you
talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who
irritate me.
Operator!
A young man was having some money problems, and needed
$200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again but had run out of people to
borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, reverses the
charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I
can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two
hundred dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly,"
says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I
can hear him perfectly."
The father says, "Oh, good. You send him
the money!"
Neighbours
A woman was worried about an elderly
woman who lived in the apartment next door. She hadn’t heard a thing from
her for a few days.
So she tells her son, "I want you to
go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Hyacinth is."
Little minutes later, the boy returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's a little
annoyed with you," he says.
"Mad at me? What
for?"
"Well," says her son,
"Mrs. Hyacinth told me it's none of your business how old she
is."
Healthy
stuff
I recently picked a new primary care
physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
"fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that
comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be
80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink
beer?" "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done
either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very
unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He
said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?" "No,"
I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why
on earth do you want to live to be 80?"
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a
secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in the corner and
prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the
water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the
blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door
declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to
cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door
hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted,
"Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed,
"It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and
marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that
there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson
who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written
report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher
and put the fire out.
A speeding motorist was caught by radar
from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began
to issue a traffic ticket.
"It seems everyone is out to get me
lately. How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver
asked.
The police officer pointed sombrely
toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist,
"that I'm not just being paranoid? Even He is trying to get
me?"
Rattling
A tourist walks into a curio shop in
He took it to the owner: "How much
for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars
for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve
dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his
bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and
sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting;
he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats
behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the bay, looking
around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing
and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the
edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he
could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it,
and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio
shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the
story?"
"No," said the man, "I
came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"
Shattered
dreams
A young man called his mother and
announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now
what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't
you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked
meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and
arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big
date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster,"
he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?"
asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused
to cook..."
Appreciated
A famous author was autographing copies
of his new novel in a
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was
going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were
expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed
to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in
at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said
impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I
make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the
minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great
difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need
$4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand
up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played,
"The Star Spangled Banner."
A recent bride called her mother one evening in
tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner
tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I
have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just
didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special
for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's
go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you
did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well,
it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..."
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before
the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling,
honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Joe
replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your
figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up
yet."
Responses to questions on 5th and 6th
grade science tests:
- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the
letters are yet to be discovered.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father, and
if you don't, why you should.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to
let them know we know they're there.
- The cause of perfume disappearing is
evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to
put the top on.
- Water vapours get together in a cloud. When it
is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why
they look like umbrellas.
- Momentum is something you give a person when they go
away.
- A monsoon is a French gentleman.
- The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun
because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
- When planets run around and around in circles, we
say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
- For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until
the patient is dead.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A man owned a small farm in
"You just give me a list of your employees and
tell me how much you pay them."
"All right," said the farmer. "I
have a hired man. Been with me for three years.
I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's
been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he
scribbled on a note pad.
"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's
a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day.
I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want
to TALK to that man!"
"You're talking to him now," said the
farmer.
How to please the Queen, while you write:
1. Verbs HAS to agree
with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalise.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And the last one...
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words
out.
Thanks Pastor Tim: http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh