Calorie!

Three blondes were having a picnic in the park. One of them took out a can of "one-calorie" diet cola and poured it equally into three cups.

She drank hers and the second one did the same but the third blonde just stared at her cup suspiciously.

"I wonder who got the calorie?" she asked.

Don’t sell to blondes!

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"He must have recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses; then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed. "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave oven," he replied.

Cheers to three days!

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 3 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 3 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 3 days!"

Mutilated Pirate

A pirate was talking to a land rot in a bar. This pirate had a peg leg and a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

"How did you loose your leg?"

"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of port Royal!"

"What about you hand; did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land rot asked,

"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?

The pirate answered,

"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

"It was the day after I got me hook!"

Bet you blonde!

In Las Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the soda cans.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning??"

Scary stuff!

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Outback Neighbours

A successful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch somewhere in the Outback. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of a jute outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man driving up to his shack. "Hold it friend" the man says, " I'm your neighbour, I have a homestead only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be un-neighbourly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks "How should I dress?"

"Crocky, don't matter" replied the neighbour, " Only going to be the two of us".

Dead bird

One day, a blonde and a brunette were walking on the sidewalk when the brunette stopped and exclaimed "Look! a dead bird!" The blonde immediately looked up and said "Where? Where?"

Outlook express

A man was in his front yard mowing the lawn when his blonde neighbour came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

Oops

Minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Now you are talking!

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"