First woman: How do you keep your youth?
Second woman: I lock him in the
I cannot pronounce my f’s, t’s or
Doctor: Well, you can’t say fairer than
I keep thinking I am a pack of
Doctor: I will deal with you
I think I am shrinking!
Doctor: You will just have to be a little
I think I am a pair of
Doctor: Well, pull yourself
I keep thinking I am a
Doctor: What has come over
A man walked in a pub and ordered six whiskies.
Lining them up on the bar, he downed the first, third and finally the fifth glass. Excuse me, asked the
bartender, but you have left three of the whiskies untouched. Yes, said the man, my doctor told me it was all
right to take the odd drink.
Husband: this is the third time that I have had
to replace the clutch on this car.
Wife: well, don’t blame me; I never use
“There are two classes of pedestrians in these
days of reckless motor traffic: the quick and the dead.”
“I am desperately trying to figure out why
Kamikaze pilots wore helmets”
Military intelligence is a contradiction in
War does not determine who is right, but who is
In the army
A soldier on sentry duty fell asleep while he
was standing up, and woke to find his commanding officer standing in front of him, looking furious. With great
presence of mind, the soldier said: Amen.
The old officer was once again telling his
story in the Naval Club: worst thing that happened to me was during the war in the Pacific. My troopship was
torpedoed and I had to live on a tin of beans for a fortnight. Can
you believe that, exclaimed an awestruck listener. How on earth did you manage to stay on?
A war correspondent visiting Afghanistan for a
second time noted that, since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands
were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
No, the man replied, landmines.
Representatives of the army, the navy and the
air force were called upon to speak at a dinner. Proud of their traditions, the army and the navy kept referring
to the air force as the Cinderella of the forces. When it was the turn of the air force representative to speak,
he began: I know very little about Cinderella, except that she had two ugly sisters.
Policeman: I am going to have to lock you up
for the night.
Suspect: on what
Policeman: There is no charge, it’s all part of
A policewoman stopped a car and found that the
driver had been drinking. She told him to get out of the vehicle. You are staggering, she said, when he did.
You’re not so bad yourself, replied the driver.
Client: Can you tell me what your fees
Lawyer: Certainly, I charge $350,- to answer
Client: That’s a bit steep now, isn’t
Lawyer: Yes, now what is your final
How many lawyers does it take to change a light
How many can you
”I am a criminal
Thanks so much for being
The game of the gods...
The crowds were gathering on Mount Olympus to
watch a football match between the gods and mortals. As the teams ran out on to the pitch, the manager of the
mortals asked the captain of the gods: Who is that character that is half human and half horse? Oh, he is our
Cricket is a game, which the British, not being
a spiritual people, had to invent in order to have some concept of eternity.
Theologically incorrect joke:
St Peter halted a man at the gates of heaven.
You have told far too many lies to be admitted here, he said gloomily. Have a heart, replied the man, you were a
Painter: So tell me, what is your opinion of my
Critic: It’s worthless.
Painter: I know, but I would like to hear it
A couple were returning to their cinema seats
after a trip to the confectionary counter. Did I step on your toes on the way out?, the husband asked the man at
the end of the row.
You most certainly did, sir!, the man responded
All right, said the husband to his wife, this
is our row.
Jazz: five men on the same stage playing
Blues: played exclusively by people who woke up
Opera: people singing when they should be
Rap: people talking when they should be
On a modern
“He regularly tortured the English language,
but had not yet succeeded in forcing it to reveal its meaning.” Beachcomber
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and
the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder at school so I could converse with those people.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children
learning? George W Bush
I have given orders to be awakened at any time
in the case of a national emergency, even if I am in a cabinet meeting.
It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided
could go one way or the other. George W Bush
To the zoo
A little boy pestered his father into taking him to the zoo. So, how was it? asked his mother
on their return.
It was great, replied the boy. And daddy liked it too, especially when one animal came racing
home at thirty to one!
With thanks to Laughter is the best Medicine,