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Signs of the Times

Humour, jokes and anecdotes

Signs of the Times


 -Plumber:

"We repair what your husband fixed."


-Pizza shop slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."


-At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."


-Door of a plastic surgeons office:

"Hello, can we pick your nose?"


-Sign at the psychic's hotline:

"Don't call us, we'll call you."


-At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


-Billboard on the side of the road:

"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."


-In a non-smoking area:

"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take

appropriate action."


-At an optometrists office

"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right

place."


-On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."


-In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."


-On a butchers window:

"Let me meat your needs."


-On a fence:

"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."


-At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


-Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."


-Outside a hotel:

"Help! We need inn-experienced people."


-On a desk in a reception room:

"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."


-In a veterinarian’s waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"


-At the electric company:

"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you

don't you will be."


On the door of a computer store:

"Out for a quick byte."


-In a restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."


Inside a bowling alley:

"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."


-In a counsellor’s office:

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.


 

Haircut


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.


After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo,

manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going

to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back

in a few minutes."


When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't

returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all

about you."


"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"


 

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed

out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde…


The actual Associated Press headline read:


KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER


 


Cool Dude

 

An English professor announced to the class;

"There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out,

"So, what are the words?"




Wisdom in golf?…


Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those

in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.


There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play

eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.


Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor

players.


An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.




Two Sides


My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her

Shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever."

And on the other... "Be Smart, Don't Start."


 


Computer Woes


Here are some conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers:


 Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"


Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)


Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"


Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."


Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--"


Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have

to try a few times, and it will let me through."


Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now

because you're on the phone with me."


Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."


-=+=-


Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."


Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."


Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."


Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."


Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."


Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."


Customer: "What?"


Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"


Customer "No."


-=+=-


Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"


-=+=-


Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?"


Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"


Tech Support: "Years of training..."


-=+=-


Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"


Customer: "A white one."


-=+=-


Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"


Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a

server?"


Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"


Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"


Customer: "Which one is that?"


Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."


Customer: "Ok, thanks."


-=+=-


Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."


Customer: "How do you spell that?"


-=+=-


Customer: "I can't log in to my account."


Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."


Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."


Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID'

field?"


Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."


-=+=-


Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"


Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."


-=+=-


Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"


Customer: "Pentium."


-=+=-


Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"


Customer: "Word 6.0."


-=+=-


Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"


-=+=-


Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a

database!"


-=+=-


Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"


Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."


Tech Support: "Well?"


Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"


-=+=-


Customer: "I have a long distance modem."


-=+=-


Customer: "I don't have a space bar."


-=+=-


Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"


 


More Computer Troubles


Here are some more conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers:


 


Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."


Tech Support: "What does it say?"


Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."


Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"


Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."


-=+=-


Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."


Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"


-=+=-


Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."


Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."


-=+=-


Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."


-=+=-


Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"


Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."


-=+=-


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."


Customer: "Ok."


Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"


Customer: "No."


Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"


Customer: "No."


Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"


Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


-=+=-


Customer: "Now what do I do?"


Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"


Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"


Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."


Customer: "How do you spell that?"


-=+=-


Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still

getting the same error message."


Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"


Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


 

Lasting Value


A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20

bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let

me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then

asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the

ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He

picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20."

"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value:

dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless

to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't ever forget it. Count your Blessings, not your problems."


  


Significance


A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:


"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"

replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"


The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."


 

 

Pressing Questions


What do they call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses


What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?

Krisp Kringle


Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?

Santa's little Elvis


Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?

"Rude"olph


What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet


What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?

Comet


What is the cow's holiday greeting?

Mooooory Christmas


What does Santa like to eat?

A jolly roll


Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?

Deery Queen


What does Santa say when he is sick?

OH OH NO!


If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe


How does Santa Claus take pictures?

With his North Pole-aroid.


What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?

Claustrophobia


What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

Sandy Claus



Blonde Mechanics?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for “a seven-hundred-ten”.


We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'


Click here to see

The Real Definition of words that women use


    Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.


    That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.


    Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).


    Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)


    Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.


    Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)


    Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)


    Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)


 


Just a Thought


Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.


I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.


Anything free is worth what you pay for it.


Indecision is the key to flexibility.


It hurts to be on the cutting edge.


If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.


I don't get even, I get odder.


In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.


Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


I am a nutritional overachiever


My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.


I am having an out of money experience.


I plan on living forever. So far, so good.


I am in shape. Round is a shape.


Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


A day without sunshine is like night.


I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.


If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.


I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.


Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.


You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at

the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the

tempting moment.


Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.


Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.


Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.


You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.





Progress?


The old Sioux chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."


The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"


The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."


The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.


 

Advice


People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them

that Benjamin Franklin said it first.




Mothering


MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"


COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"


MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other

children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off

the ceiling?"


NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


 MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."


 ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"


 GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"


THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"


PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."


 









Learn Chinese in 5 minutes


That's not right...


Sum Ting Wong


 

Are you harbouring a fugitive?...


Hu Yu Hai Ding?


 

See me ASAP...


Kum Hia Nao


 

Stupid Man...


Dum Gai


 

Small Horse...


Tai Ni Po Ni


 

Did you go to the beach?...


Wai Yu So Tan?


 

I bumped into a coffee table...


Ai Bang Mai Ni


 

I think you need a face lift...


Chin Tu Fat


 

It's very dark in here...


Wai So Dim?


 

I thought you were on a diet...


Wai Yu Mun Ching?


 


This is a tow away zone...


No Pah King


 

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...


Wai Yu Kum Nao?


 

Staying out of sight...


Lei Ying Lo


 

He's cleaning his automobile...


Wa Shing Ka


 

Your body odor is offensive...


Yu Stin Ki Pu


 


Benefits of smoking


A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the

Defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you

shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm certain we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?? You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the

judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."


 


A Close Watch


Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando.

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.

"If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your

language. Thank you."





Final Countdown?


I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a

conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I

boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the

security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.

"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I

took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how

it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone

breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"


(By Thomas S. Ellsworth.)


 


 

What really grabs a congregation’s attention


Pastor Roger Matthews tells the following story:


 We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation.


One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist Church. It

was a hot day and the folks were nearly out in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said,

"The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another

man's wife."

The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and

the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the preacher said, "It was my mother."

The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as

the sermon concluded.


I filed this trick away in my memory, a great way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost. Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them.

Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice,


"The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife."


Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back

row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front

of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came

next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I

can't remember her name!"

 


Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble:


10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.


 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.


8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.


7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"


6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."


5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."


4. You come upon his secret stash of colourful socks.


3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."


2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of

cottage cheese."


1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.


 

Happy


A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you...


 

 


Paraphrased Bible


Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the

bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!

 


 

Cross-eyed Bear


A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear!"


 


Beauty


Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, MS. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


 

The 3 stages of man:


He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.

He is Santa Claus.


 

Logic


Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 789.


 

Hearty Breakfast


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli – a strong currant pulled him in.


 


 Court Room Woes


Things people actually said in court, word for word:


Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.



Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



Q: This myasthenia gravis -does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?



Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.



Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.



Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.


Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.



Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well I can see pretty well I think.


Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.


 Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.